Kickass

Kickass and Aaron Rodgers

Kickass, the doorstop dog, is staying on the couch as the keeper grapples with the issue of Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, seen as a more serious problem by some Wisconsin residents than cheese-head hats or the price of Spotted Cow beer.

The obvious solution is to give the entire state of Wisconsin to Rodgers.

The immediate question is: would Rodgers accept Wisconsin, considering that much of the state’s water tastes of cow manure, hound people come from all over the country every summer to let their dogs run amuck through the woods, a Republican legislature has the populace locked in gerrymandered cells on a diet of bread and water–tainted water, Foxcon—having been given most of Kenosha County, is gearing up to manufacture gravity-defying “My Pillows,” and Illinois residents—many of them Bears’ fans–pour across the state’s southern border on the weekend like so many lemmings to clutter up the highways and throw money around?

It is no simple issue, this millionaire ball-thrower pouting over god-knows-what and wanting to spend the rest of his life as the emcee of an in inane TV game show!

On the off chance that Rodgers would accept the gift of Wisconsin in exchange for throwing balls in the state on a few autumn Sundays, a few adjustments will have to be made: The state motto of “Forward,” will change to “First and ten,” the Badger mascot will be recognized as the nocturnal weasel that it actually is, and the statue on top of the Capital will hoist a beer in one hand and a football in the other—a deflated football.    

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