Kickass and chigger friends

Kickass, the doorstop dog, has more or less concluded that if the keeper lives long enough he will succeed in alienating the rest  of the world with his unfettered complaining, thus leaving him isolated and friendless.  So to prevent the totality of this, he—the keeper is trying to make something of the fact that chiggers love him, always have, and apparently their continuing efforts to be close to him are intensifying, causing the keeper to scratch in public in a manner that could have him under official observation.  Chiggers are, of course, microscopic arachnids that live in the grass and hitch rides to chew into your skin in shadowy places, leaving welts that itch so bad you must either scratch them or die.  The keeper pleads with all communicators to provide him with chigger survival suggestions.  He is willing to try anything, and is not ready to accept the fact that his only remaining friend bites him in the…., oh never mind, just help him if you can.