Kickass, the doorstop dog, has been told by the keeper that editors write the headlines that go with reporters’ stories; and since the keeper never had what it takes to be an editor, he was pretty much deprived of the thrill of headline writing during his long newspaper slog, which is prelude to the keeper now flexing his unused headline writing muscle for the benefit of the Kickass gang whether the members are ready or not.
One. Headlines for Tuesday’s traditional Thanksgiving turkey-pardoning frivolity at the White House: “Turkey Turns Tables: Refuses To Pardon President. POTUS Heads To Turkey Farm Retirement.”
Two. Headline for story on Covid health advice from Dr. Scott Atlas: “White House Doc Says Masks Inhibit Ability To Bend Over And Kiss Your Own Ass Goodbye. Atlas Says Kissing The POTUS’s Ass Is Health Measure.”
Three. Headlines for Thanksgiving Day: “Carver In Chief Stiffs Stuffed Voters, Refuses To Leave Table, Servers Sing ‘Amazing GROSS’.”
Four. Headlines for Black Friday: “Millions Of Shoppers Broke, Hungry, Stay Home. Returns Of Flawed Mitch McConnell Dolls At Record Level.”
Five. Headline for Jan. 20: “Great National Flushing Clogs Political Sewage Lines. People Rejoice, Call Roto-Rooter.”
It is possible the keeper’s headline-writing muscle has atrophied beyond effective use: “Aged Journalist Turns To Stone, Or Is Stoned.”