Kickass, the doorstop dog, assists the keeper in drafting a pre-Christmas eve note to Santa:
“Well, my chubby, red friend, we all look forward to your visit Thursday night but you need to be warned that things have gotten so crazy you may find some chimneys clogged with bullshit. Just how that happened does not involve flying bulls, but rather a manure spreader attachment installed four years ago to Air Force One.
“We apologize for any inconvenience and instead of your traditional treat of sugar cookies and a glass of milk, we will be leaving out a big bottle of brandy and some cookies laced with weed. Help yourself, man. If we are awake we may join you.
“By now, you will have determined just who has been bad and who has been good, but, of course, you can always go to pardons to change bad people to good people, something that is now trending as liars and traitors skip down the Yellow Brick Road with the orange-haired Wizard.
“Another thing that is trending, Santa, is recounting–votes mostly, but you may want to recount your reindeer to make sure you have eight and not eighty, or even eight thousand.
“As to what you can bring as gifts for Phyllis and the keeper, Phyllis would like some Arizona-type weather in Wisconsin for the next three or four months, and the keeper asks you to eliminate the first 19 days of January so that the month actually starts on the 20th.
“If you cannot manage these kinds of things, we understand, and if the brandy bottle is empty by the time you get here Thursday night, we hope you understand.
“Merry Christmas, you old goat, and we send our best wishes to Mrs. Santa and all the elves.”