Kickass and the poop races

Kickass, the doorstop dog, notes that due to the frigid weather, dogs are setting records all over the place for the shortest time it takes to be outside to attend to certain bodily functions.  It was thought that the piano-playing Schnauzer type sharing the keeper’s quarters might have the lead with a 17 second outing that the keeper disdainfully called a “porch poop.”  But there came word of a black Lab out on the edge of town that can apparently pee while running—in a short circle that ends up back at the front door which cuts the Lab’s outside time to a mere 14 seconds. Kickass is thinking of reviving his campaign for the use of indoor dog facilities in the manner of litter boxes.  If cats can have “kitty litter,” why can’t dogs have “puppy poopettes” or some such thing?  It only seems fair.  In the meantime the cold weather dog competition goes on: “The bowel dash.” “The lifted leg race.” “The shivering s…”  (These are the times Kickass is thankful he is made of cast-iron and his only bodily function is to sit very still and stare out through the window at the thermometer, not unlike the keeper.)