Kickass and weight accuracy

Kickass, the doorstop dog, cautions the keeper that his weight control program may not be ready for public dissemination, but he–the keeper, as usual, does not listen, and is more influenced by the daily disappointment he experiences when he steps on the scale.

Here are his tips for preparing for accurate weight readings, many of which have been tested by the keeper in his vain but valiant efforts to regain his “fighting” trim.

  1. Remove all false teeth, bridges or retainers.
  2. Blow nose to clear sinus system.
  3. Use que-tips to remove ear wax.
  4. Remove all jewelry, earrings, of course, but wedding rings too if they will come off.
  5. Trim toenails, and fingernails, also extraneous hair in nose and ears.
  6. Do not apply, lotions, makeup or deodorant.
  7. Make sure colon and bladder are empty.
  8. Shave your face and any other place that might have “weighty” body hair.
  9. Do not slouch, but stand up straight, which makes for a lighter feeling.
  10. Avoid looking in the mirror as this produces a thought process that tends toward heaviness.

Following all of the tips will not be as effective a weight loss measure as forsaking the keeper’s “farmer” breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast, and sometimes fries, but that is not going to happen, and is a matter for another day.

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