Kickass and weight programs

Kickass, the doorstop dog, reports that the keeper and Phyllis are deep into weight loss programs, Phyllis’s being overseen by a personal health scale that communicates with her and was recently upset when the keeper innocently stepped on it.

Obviously not programed to use foul language or insults, the scale, in its way, hinted that Phyllis should maybe upgrade the company she keeps, at least in her bathroom.

In his efforts to get back to his fighting weight of—oh never mind, he doesn’t plan to fight anyway, the keeper has developed a number of preparatory tips for the best reading when you step on the scale.

         Shave to eliminate the weight of whiskers.

         If toenails need cutting, cut them.

         Apply deodorant later.

         Delay installing dental devices.

         Get a haircut.

         Blow your nose.

         Make sure your bladder and bowels are empty.

As the keeper’s pre-weighing advice might be applied to women it would, of course, include not applying makeup, false eyelashes, hairpins and nail polish.

         Phyllis’s program appears to be working more effectively than the keeper’s as she take on more and more of a high-school-girl appearance, which tempts the keeper to sneak back onto her scale: What’s to lose other than another scale scolding!


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