Kickass passenger pigeon
Kickass, the doorstop dog, reports that the keeper is going through some kind of a reverse metamorphosis and transforming from an honest journalist—albeit an ancient retired one, and into a purveyor of false news in an attempt to reach those who not only embrace “different sets of facts” but use them as moral guidance.
So the keeper reports that a passenger pigeon has been frequenting his bird feeder since early in April when it showed up with a flock of starlings. At first it appeared to be only a muscular mourning dove, but its identity as a passenger pigeon was confirmed by a New York avian expert named Rudy Giuliani who said, the extinction of the passenger pigeon was not marked by the death of 29-year-old Martha in the Cincinnati zoo in 1914, but that the great bird continued to live on and continues to live on to this day in the finely-tuned, scientific minds of Republican opportunists.
The passenger pigeon at the keeper’s feeder is named Mueller and it appears to be scaring all of the other birds, particularly the raucous bluejays, shitless!