Kickass, the doorstop dog, reports that the keeper is aware of the discomfort that bad news brings, but in the interest of truth and honesty must pass along the results of extensive traditional journalistic research and announce:
“No, Virginia, there is no Santa Claus!”
“Your little friends are right, Virginia, Santa disappeared off the scene with the advent of UPS, Amazon and credit cards. His explanation at the time was, ‘A world believing in flying reindeer is one thing, one that believes in ‘no payments until the second coming’ is quite another.
“You may think, Virginia, that the fat man with the crazy hair who currently dominates the media with a wish list from hell is actually Santa struggling to find a replacement role in society. That is not Santa, Virginia! Definitely not Santa! Do not be deceived by his efforts to get you and other innocents to sit on his lap and kiss his ears.
Santa made the serious mistake of giving this narcissistic imposter a brief lease on the North Pole and has regretted it ever since. He, Santa, is in the process of cancelling the lease and reoccupying the entire North Pole, including the elves workshop.
“Until this happens, Virginia, tell your little friends that while there is currently no Santa Claus, that could change in the future.
“Rudolph sends his regards, as does the former Santa who is temporarily driving a UPS delivery van.”